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The relationship conundrum |
| Posted on Jun 06 2009 |
A Reason, a Season or a Lifetime?
by Gillie Sutherland
An older, wiser life coach once taught me a good way to approach the issue of love and relationships, and the different people that we spend time with at some point during our lives
The basic premise is that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We don't know at the time which it is going to be, and much of our anxiety about relationships is based on the fact that we try too hard to work out which one they are. Like with many things in life, it's the not-knowing that makes us twitchy, as we try desperately to control what's going to happen. There could be no more futile exercise than this.
We don't know how anything is going to turn out, especially when it comes to other people. We have very little control over what they do, how they feel, and how they act towards us, we can only make sure our own house is in order, and react and respond to situations as we see fit.
Sometimes people crop up in our lives, our paths cross for just a short while, and then they leave again, but not without leaving their mark on our lives. Whether it was helping you see things in a different way, opening your eyes to new possibilities, or giving a third party perspective on an issue which was previously baffling you, it was a case of serendipity. That is, a positive coincidence which led to a good outcome. I believe these people are gifts, sent to us to give us a message, and put us back on the right track. We shouldn't be sad when they go again, they have other missions to run, but we should just appreciate that they were in our lives for that time.
The "season" people are the ones who are around a bit longer, we share experiences, go through change with them, spend months, maybe years with them, but as we develop, we find ourselves on different paths and going in different directions. When this happens, it can be disorientating, and we experience a sense of loss and uncertainty, but it is a necessary step for us on the journey of life. We need to embrace the change, as it is often rejuvenating, invigorating, fun, and most importantly, an opportunity to move forward. The season we spend together will shape our future from that point, as we grow, learn from each other, and learn about ourselves. The change is not something we should regret, but learn from, and use to help us build more satisfying and fulfiiling relationships in the future.
The third group are our "lifetime" people, the ones that will be around forever. Our family, our closest friends who know us the best, and if we're lucky, the life partner or loved one, whom we grow old with. It's easy to know when someone has been around a long time, that they always will be, and we feel safe in that certainty. What is more difficult is knowing when you first meet someone whether they are going to be in your life for a long time. How can you tell? What are the signs? Is there any such person as "the one", or is it just a romantic notion dreamed up by the same people who are trying to get us to spend lots of money on Valentine's Day?
I don't know the answer to this, and that's the point really. We don't know. We know nothing for sure, especially when it comes to the future. We have to find a way to live with that uncertainty, otherwise we'll end up driving ourselves to distraction trying to get answers to questions for which there are no answers. What a waste of time and energy.
We don't know when we meet someone whether it's for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and how boring would life be if you did know everything that was going to happen? It would be like going to watch a film, and knowing how it ends. To deal with this life of uncertainty and change, we have to embrace the notion that life is a mystery, and start to look at the future with intrigue, excitement and optimism. Instead of having anxiety around what may and may not happen, we can say to ourselves "I wonder what's going to happen...". It certainly re-frames the future, and how we look at the world around us and the relationships we have.
Too much expectation can be risky, so often leading to feelings of disappointment and disillusionment. If we attach ourselves to outcomes which we have no control over, we can be setting ourselves up for a fall. However, if we can start to see our lives, and the people who come into it, as part of a master plan, all for our greater good, then we can relax and just trust the process. As with the bad times, "this too will pass", change will happen, people will come and go from our lives, and our directions will change.
Life is a weird and wonderful mystery, and the only thing we know that we have for sure is right here, right now. Make sure you don't miss it.
Last changed: Jun 06 2009 at 5:00 PM
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