The Mojo Coach

Gillian Sutherland
Tel: 07525 201206
Email: info@themojocoach.co.uk
Web: www.themojocoach.co.uk
 

Living with an alcoholic, suffering violence and abuse, or staying with someone who just seems to put us down all the time is unfathomable when looking from the outside. Yet many of us do it, and it’s the same question that we ask ourselves when we come of it, that those around us have been wondering about for months.

It’s like a bad habit that we can’t quite kick, an unhealthy addiction that has the worst comedown, and it is hugely detrimental to our self-esteem. Coming out of the other end, going cold turkey, is a tough process, and we are still left with the bitter aftertaste, the shame of having let things get so bad for ourselves.

Yet it’s worth it, and the sooner we realise we need to get out, the better. It can be tough, especially for those of us who see the best in people, those who want to help people who seem to be in pain. We can be all too ready to blame ourselves, wonder what we had done to cause it, start to doubt ourselves, and become blind to what is unacceptable behaviour towards another human being.

It’s one of the dangers of some of the modern psychology and self-help methods out there, which teach us to look at our behaviour, how we manifest what happens to us in life. We start to look to blame ourselves for everything, to think it all must have been our fault, and we can only judge our own behaviour. When you go down this slippery slope of self-blame, it can be hard to drag yourself out of it, especially when you have someone reinforcing that feeling, that we are to blame.

If only we could see at the time the benefit that would come from taking that philosophy and using it to empower ourselves, to take ownership of what we deserve for ourselves, and to maintain our boundaries.

Perhaps you are in a situation now which is making you unhappy, and you have tried endlessly to make it better? Maybe you are wondering why you deserve the way you are being treated? I am guessing that in some situations you know that it is not right, but you are putting up with behaviour which is unacceptable. If you are, then take a step back, right now, and ask yourself: “If this was my best friend, my sister, my daughter, what would I want for them? What would I be saying to them?”.

Step out and look at your situation with fresh eyes. What is going on here? If you are being abused, if you are living in fear, then this is not your fault. Repeat this statement again and again, until it sinks in: it is not your fault, it is not your fault. We all have the right to live in a safe environment, to live without fear of being attacked, to be happy and healthy again.

If you can’t face the big life decisions yet, then just take a small step away, take a break, go and stay with a friend, and most importantly, talk it through with someone. Be honest and get someone else’s perspective on it, let them help you. There is no shame in asking for help. Listen to the advice of those you trust, and let them take care of you. They want to help. They don’t want to see you in pain.  

This is the time you will need to be strong. You may feel empowered to start with, but there will be times when you wobble, and this is when you will need your friends around you.

It is common for us to think that the one who caused us the pain is also the one that can take it away. This is not the case. Try to see this happening when you start to think this way. You need to heal yourself; it’s a tougher process, but it’s real healing, and it will last a lot longer.

Life may feel uncomfortable for a while, as it does after any loss, but it’s worth sticking with. The path we know, the behaviours we have come to live with, can seem like the easier route to take. It’s a false economy. It’s time to take the road less travelled, and it will be worth it, trust me.

You’ll get new slippers, they will feel weird for a while, but before you know it, they will be like a second skin. You just need to wear them in a little bit.